Time for a Rebuild

Must start blogging again...must start blogging again...

On my 40th birthday I was sipping champagne and nibbling strawberries in a hot tub on the rooftop of a luxurious hotel looking out over the Barcelona skyline...I started thinking about Chesham United Travels of old, a weekly commentary on life as a Chesham United supporter, and thought - I'm going to do that again.

I did it for 6 months from the 30th November 2012 up until the end of May 2013, almost daily, writing down my thoughts...

...I now have a 140 page Word document, nearly 85,000 words, that I don't really know what to do with, other than look back on in disbelief and think...Do we never learn?

Being a football fan is tough, at any level, but after three successive years of play-off defeats, it becomes really tough. Being a Director is not always a barrel of laughs either you know, probably not as tough as being a fan; but if you are a fan and a Director, then it can all become too much at times - You so want things to be right, but they never are.

Last season was Chesham's best on the pitch for some twenty years, but if we are honest with ourselves, it never really had a real vibe going - There was no sense of elation, real excitement, great pride, over the top celebration...choose your own words, but something was lacking don't you think? And I guess that feeling must come from the top?

Speaking personally there are several things (other than now being in my 40's and not my 20's) that stopped me staggering down the High Street singing "Men of Chesham" after every game. And yes, one of them was being a Director.

Not the fact that I feel I should act a certain way, but the fact that sometimes you can actually know too much. Every fan loves to know what is going on at their club, but as I get older - and fully appreciate the privileged position I have held for something like 12 years now - I am starting to realise that there is so much more to enjoying your football than just knowing everything...

So why did being a Director spoil enjoying our best season for 20 years?

Bluntly?

Because I knew that the rug could (should?) have been pulled from beneath the feet of that squad at any point between early October and the end of the season.

Let's not beat around the bush, we were paying more than we anticipated, the team were doing well, it makes it difficult to pull the rug...the FA Cup might help...it didn't...but still we did well in the league...fans were optimistic...what do you do?

At Board level we knew we were spending more than intended - the likes of Dillon and Roberts do not come cheap, but heads are in the sand aren't they? The Chairman is stating he is not seeing the wage bill every week and suggests the manager is overspending, but the manager is not writing the cheques, or drawing out the cash, so how is that happening?

By Christmas, despite our lofty league position, my love affair with Chesham United was firmly on the rocks as I looked on despairingly at so many of the things I loved, and was proud of, over the past five years, watching them fly out the window, leaving no trace, limiting the chance of recovery...

I remember turning up at St Albans on Boxing Day and there were two terrace conversations going on simultaneously. One was discussing an email sent to the Manager on Christmas morning (without a word of a lie) telling of the wage cuts that must happen with almost immediate effect. The other was between the Manager and the "Owner" - a hundred yards away by the players tunnel - discussing wages and possible new signings.

It was mind-boggling, it really was. At one end of the boardroom table there was talk of the budget being dramatically slashed to what would effectively be the 3 contract players and a few kids; at the other end of the table we are looking at bringing in someone like Darren Purse to strengthen the squad and bolster any promotion push - You couldn't make it up. (I should point out here what an incredible asset Darren Purse has been to the dressing room and all around the club - Ex-pro's in non-league football so often disappoint, don't get the spirit of the non-league game, but Darren is the total opposite, and even gets it more than most).

Of course the obvious question was: well, what can we afford? After all, haven't we always proudly shouted from the rooftops about our management accounts and how we are the envy of many clubs in the way we manage our finances...

...And this is where I lost it.

Words cannot describe the anger, frustration and embarrassment I felt at the way we had lost the anal financial control that I was so dearly proud of. Maybe it is not so important when we are lucky enough to have the backing of someone like Roger Payne, but you cannot run a football club without that financial control…Can you? Or is that just me? Your main benefactor should not be approached with a begging bowl, he should be encouraged to invest in something that brings them some pride...shouldn't they?

It may have been just me, but having spent five years knowing where every penny within the club was, the situation we found ourselves in troubled me. It was causing conflicts, bickering and internal fighting that was so unnecessary - I was being blanked by some people for daring to ask where we were financially, I couldn't get my head around the fact that I seemed to be the only one annoyed, pissed off beyond belief, at the way so much of the good that had been put in place by Charles Manchester, and I like to think was continued by myself, was going out of the window...

Yet through all that, despite some really tricky conversations, the manager and the players were backed all the way. Communication within and around the club can be shocking - You tell me an example of poor communication and I will trump you every time - and in a totally ludicrous way, that helped us enjoy the season we did. There were so many conversations about what the budget should be, but nobody was actually bold enough to put their foot down (and risk jeopardising the season) until something like Week 29 of the season.

Rightly or wrongly, whether unanimous or not, whether affordable or not, the club backed the manager and the players to the hilt. It may not have been the most concordant of backing, but we threw every hat we had in the ring knowing that this was our best ever chance of getting to Conference South...we had come so far, where is the value in pulling the plug now?

People will shoot me down on this, and now I'm not Chairman maybe I need to be a little more cautious with the information I have access too, but whilst we are in a summer situation of losing players, let's come out with some honesty...Our playing budget ended up at a large five figure sum over what we had originally budgeted for last season. Ouch, Ow, Wow, WTF...Yes, pretty bloody scary.

There will be those that absolutely despise that fact, and I realise there is an element of hypocrisy in my own anti-Premiership thinking when I consider what we allowed to happen, but there was always logic to my thinking...(and I should point out here that the budgeted for wages was stupidly low and was never going to happen - we were paying the right wages for our league position, we were not over the top and this summer has already proved that there are clubs, less established than ourselves, prepared to pay, what can only be described as, silly money).

Were there ever issues with paying players last season? To a degree yes, but in reality no, and this was only as a result of trying to support them way beyond the intention...without going into detail, we ended up with a deferred payment scheme whereby some of the wages were dependent upon reaching the play-offs, getting home games and getting promoted (rather than inflicting a season-finishing pay cut, as would be the recommendation from a sensible business head)...A scale of payment dependent upon how far we got in the league and play-offs - The logic being that if we got home play-off games, the income generated would justify the extra cost.

It all made perfect sense.

Communication. The curse of Chesham United.

I've never been one for wanting to befriend players or feel as though they should know me, or vice versa, (apart form back in the days of Darren Coleman, Andy Adebowale and Naseem Bashir when I used to be scrounging lifts here there and everywhere!) and I have certainly never felt the dressing room is a place for the Chairman or any Directors...

...So when, two years after standing down as Chairman, I find myself in the dressing room after a game confronting a bunch of angry players (victims of poor communication) I feel a little uncomfortable, very much annoyed that I should be there, and generally left thinking...What am I doing? This was my hobby? My leisure time? When did it become like this? Or more importantly, didn't I leave that behind when I stood down as Chairman?

Communication. Leadership. Responsibility. Decision-Making. Optimism. Fear. Excitement. Many words can be used to explain why we were in that position…but the reality was that the club decided to back that team to go on and get promoted. Over and above the sort of money that it should have. It stretched itself, it created much stress and concern…but the decision makers believed it was worth backing. - We might not get another chance like this to get promoted.

We were, by a country mile, at least the second best team in the league.

We failed.

Of course there are more sensitive words to use, yes it was a great season and all of that, one of the best, but there was a huge investment in getting promoted, it didn't happen, therefore if you want it in black and white, we failed.

Countless hours, many (many) pounds, but we did not achieve what we were good enough to achieve. What is the definition of failure? Of course it was a gamble, nothing is guaranteed in football…Maybe gamble is the wrong word...

...Belief?

...Trust?

...Support?

Ironically all words that the club were accused of not having in the team. Yet there was a big five-figure sum more than anticipated in the accounts that said the opposite.

The club believed.

The club trusted.

The club supported.

Which kinda makes it all the more disappointing when you hear some of the comments as players depart. But that's football I guess, and we must start from fresh and accept the fact that for all the hard work, effort and stress - There's still always someone just waiting to give you a kick in the bollocks.

At Chesham United we are lucky because we can afford to have taken that gamble without jeopardising the club's future because we have a financial safety net in the shape of the main benefactor - A net I would have loved to have had when I was Chairman.

Next time: What's happened to the Supporters' Trust?